Data-Driven Daoist

Yu Han got up earlier than Li Yao, a rare occurrence. He lumbered over to the common basin in the wardroom and freshened up with salt water and coal.

Can’t believe the cultivators have the cure to crippling injuries but not toothpaste.

The wardrooms were in the same floor as the mess hall. It was sparsely populated now, with barely any disciples.

On one side were the stairs that led up to the hatch. A few recruits were gathered there, murmuring.

“Crazy. Is this what cultivators are capable of?”

“How much do you think the ship costs?”

“My father owns a fleet. He would kill my eldest brother for such a vessel.”

The wood of the stairs was mending itself. Like it had a mind of its own, the wood creaked, inching close together at specific intervals. Jagged edges joined, and splinters flew in from somewhere. The rope lining the side of the rails had been repaired halfway too.

It gave Yu Han an idea. He surveyed the position of the tables, their distance from the stairwell.

This could work? His heartbeat rose. Do I really want to do this?He waited until the recruits went away, then trotted over. He squatted by the lowest stair, then measured the distance up. He climbed five treads, then held the railing on both sides and heaved his weight up, as if doing a calisthenics exercise.

His head didn’t touch the ceiling. After one and a half months of staying here, he’d finally found a perk of being short.

And fat.

Yu Han pushed against the railing, feet hovering above the stairs, and jumped down.

He hurriedly looked around. No one was paying attention, so he went back up the stairs.

I’m doing this! Better than challenging Wu Di head on.

The rope by the railing was still snapped about a third of the way up. Yu Han pulled the rope, then spread one end along that stair, tying that end up on the railing on the other side. Then he went up and tied the other end of the rope a few steps below, where it was originally tied.

“Move it, fatty!” A recruit came down.

Yu Han’s heart flinched. It was one of Wu Di’s groupies. The guy jumped down three steps at a time, then turned around.

“Gonna get your ass kicked today,” he said. “You’re lucky that it wasn’t one of us Martial Eagle nobility.” He paused, then grinned. “That’s a nice dagger you have.”

Yu Han immediately unsheathed it. The guy frowned. Yu Han had the high ground. Even if he just jumped down with the dagger facing the general direction of the guy, it would be fatal.

“I’ll see you, fatty.”

Yu Han sighed, hands trembling so much that he almost dropped the dagger. When the guy was gone, he finished tying the rope to the guardrail, then tugged at it.

The portion of the rope that was spread along the stairstep below and tied to the opposite guardrail pulled taut.

Yu Han went to the kitchen.

“More chilli oil,” he said. The chef in the serving robe was sweating buckets.

“But my lord, this is just oil at this point!”

“Quiet,” Yu Han shushed the waiter. “More means more. Make ten, no, twenty bowls of this. Put them in decorative bowls, not the normal ones. And heat the oil until it’s sizzling.”

The chef hesitated. “Your wish is my command.”

“Cover it with toppings.”

The waiter put seaweed and fish flakes over the bowls.

“You think I’m weak?” Yu Han fumed. “Chilli flakes. Fried garlic. Roasted peppers. Yeah, more.”

By the end, the waiter was probably cursing Yu Han’s five ancestors.

“This is for a special occasion. Don’t tell anyone unless you want to take responsibility,” Yu Han said. Threatening came naturally to his Johanistic soul.

“My lips are sealed.”

“Place one bowl on each table. Make it seem like decoration.”

The waiter went away.

Yu Han grabbed his trembling right hand with his left.

Stop shivering. What are you, a pussy? He thumped his chest. Dad. Dad. You won’t approve. But this is my way of nurturing a connection.

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

Yu Han sat down on a bench where the table already had a bowl of sizzling chilli oil. Between him and the stairs, there were three more tables. He could have sat closer.

But Wu Di will catch up… maybe.

He crossed his fingers. If this overly cautious attitude cost him, then so be it. As long as no one laughed.

Yu Han patted his tummy. It wiggled. Abs nowhere in sight. He’d probably become the laughingstock of the generation.

Soon, more recruits filtered in. Some had quick breakfasts, then went their own ways—to the deck, or down below.

“Whoa, the ship’s fixing itself?” a girl said.

“Don’t touch it!”

“Why? The rope looks like it’s tied all wrong.”

“What if you mess up the repairs? You think you can take responsibility?”

Yu Han wiped his sweat with a steamed towel, the type the waiters gave the recruits to clean their hands.

Meddling fucking kids.

The whole setup might be a bust. Wu Di might clobber Yu Han into shrimp paste.

Yu Han checked his gear. Dagger, check. Pouch full of chilli powder? Check. Better hide it in his sleeve though.

“What’re you up to, tubs?” Li Yao said as he sat beside him. He had a simple bowl of rice stacked with a mountain of fatty pork bellies.

“I’m going to butcher a chicken,” Yu Han said. “I have a favour to ask.”

“You want me to challenge Ma San?”

“Only if it seems like he’ll challenge me first.”

“That’s not a favour, tubs. Just an errand. You didn’t answer my question. What are you planning?”

“I told you. There’s a chicken running around that pisses me off.”

Wu Di walked into the mess hall. Unlike previous days, his body language was shifty. Every time a girl passed by, his eyes would follow like a hawk’s.

“He’s just some wannabee rapist, isn’t he? Like a stinky bandit drooling over the village flower.” Yu Han’s voice broke through the crowd.

“You crazy son of a bitch.” Li Yao’s eyes twinkled with realization. “You’re confident?”

Yu Han nodded and said loudly, “He was a stooge for that crook Qiao Jinhai, just to get in bed with a girl! Talk about being pathetic. A loser like him couldn’t even get a girl if he begged her, so he had to use threats and violence. Ugly fucking flunky if I’ve ever seen one. Yet he dares act like he owns the place?”

“It’s nothing complicated, my tubby bro,” Li Yao said in a near-shout. “These fellas, they’re strong to the weak and weak to the strong. You’ll find them bullying poor slum folks, but then they bow to kings like loaches.”

“Slippery ones?”

“You said it, brother.”

The mess hall was pin-drop silent. Through the corner of his eye, Yu Han noticed Duan Xiaolong sitting at a nearby table. The other recruits scurried to empty it.

Wu Di’s visage turned ugly like a raging asura. Then it reverted back into a sunny smile.

“This fat brother,” he said, sitting on the bench opposite Yu Han and Li Yao’s. “I couldn’t hear what you said clearly. Do you dare to repeat it?”

Yu Han’s hands trembled under the table. He grabbed one with the other and squeezed. “Did kissing Qiao Jinhai’s ass so many times make you deaf? Got shit stuck in your ears, or your brain?”

Someone dropped a plate somewhere. A monkey chirped. Li Yao swallowed a pork piece whole without chewing.

“This fat brother has a slanderous mouth,” Wu Di said. “She is my woman. The proper heiress of the Huang clan, Huang Linxue, granted her to me in place of the Huang Patriarch. What we do is none of your business.”

“Everyone saw her screaming and begging the moment she saw your ugly face. If it wasn’t for that thief Qiao Jinhai, she would’ve probably preferred to jump off than be with you.”

“Niuniu stole a ginseng from my collection once,” another voice interjected. It was Huang Linxue. She covered her mouth with a sleeve, saying, “ She gave it to you, didn’t she? Did she seduce you with her insidious charm too? Is that why you’re jealous of Brother Wu Di?”

“Who the hell is Chu Fei, and why’d he dump you for her?” Yu Han shot back. “Bitch thinks I’m the jealous one here.”

Li Yao guffawed.

Huang Linxue’s smile disappeared.

“You teamed up with this ugly flunky—” Yu Han pointed his chopsticks at Wu Di with a chilli pepper still hanging “—because you’re a jealous little tramp.”

“Now listen here—”

“You think that everyone is blind? That you can play pretend with your shitty etiquette and no one will be the wiser?” Yu Han said. “So what if this red cock here gets Huang Niuniu in the end? At most, that’ll make this Chu Fei guy break up with Huang Niuniu. But why the hell would he ever go back to a tiny-eyed, flat-chested, snake-faced—”

“You—!” Huang Linxue stood up, her palms slamming the table.

“Even I have bigger boobs than you, washboard.”

A single voice erupted with uncontrollable laughter. It was Duan Xiaolong. He slammed the table so hard it broke. Soon Li Yao laughed too, followed by some of his riffraff friends, the White Lotus nobles.

“You… you insolent, fat bastard!” Huang Linxue clenched her fists.

“You still have the face to stay here?” Yu Han spat.

The laughter grew louder.

“Big brother Wu Di!” Huang Linxue cried. Big pearls of tears fell freely from her face like a waterfall. “T-This barbarian is bullying me.”

Wu Di had been strangely silent, his gaze simmering. He didn’t respond when Huang Linxue tugged his shoulder, merely flicking her away.

“E-Elder Bro—”

“Women should stay out of this,” Wu Di said.

Huang Linxue clamped up.

“This fat brother,” Wu Di said. He waited for the laughter to die down. His red eyes turned colder, like a setting sun. His back straightened, like an unbreakable pillar. “You spoke so much horsedung. But can you back it up?”

“What does it matter?” Yu Han said. He grabbed his bowl with one hand and stirred the pepper mixture with the other. “Everyone knows I spoke the truth. You’re just a big, ugly bully.”

“The truth is decided by the fist,” Wu Di said. “Or do you think you can complain to the city court and impeach me?”

“How can the truth possibly be—”

“We’re cultivators. This truth you speak of is nothing but the cry of an ant. At the end of the day, it’s the gossip of trash who couldn’t beat me in a duel.” Wu Di said. He grabbed Yu Han’s tea, then poured it.

On Yu Han’s head.

Wu Di grinned. “This Wu Di can shove your fat head into your excreta hole, while all you can do is gossip like a wronged scholar who got his courtesan stolen by a duke’s son.”

Huang Linxue snickered. Soon, the Martial Eagle nobles followed up. Even some others joined.

“Yu Han, was it?” Wu Di said. “Ants should know their place. If they speak up without the strength to back it up, they’ll get squashed.”

“Using violence when you can’t beat me with words?”

“After this Wu Di breaks your jaw, you won’t even be able to speak words.” Wu Di raised his hand. “Senior Brother Duan Xiaolong, I would like to challenge my fat brother here,” he said.

Yu Han unsheathed his knife, and Wu Di’s eyes snapped to the blade’s edge. Remember his fights! He’s gonna go for my attack hand.

Duan Xiaolong sliced the air with his hand. “Granted. If there’s a disagreement, such as who is prey and who is predator, you merely fight it out.”

Wu Di grinned. Yu Han slashed with the dagger.

The red-haired cock leaned forward, reaching for the weapon. He grabbed Yu Han’s hand, squeezing so hard that Yu Han felt his bones crack.

Oh fuuu—! It hurt. It hurt so freaking much.

He let the dagger go. Wu Di watched it fall, his face turning away from Yu Han, who then threw a bowl full of sizzling chilli oil at his face.