Cultivation Chat Group

20th May 2019, Monday.

At the end of spring and summer’s arrival.

This season, the temperature difference between the Jiang Nan region’s day and night was huge. During the day, even if one was wearing shorts he could heat up like a hot dog; yet during the night he had to curl up on his bed, freezing like a cold bird.

Jiang Nan University City.

2.30PM in the afternoon was exactly the time students started classes. Yet Song Shuhang stayed in his dormitory alone, his computer desk pulled to his bedside, making it convenient for him to watch movies in any posture.

Song Shuhang did not have a habit of skipping classes. For the earlier half of last night, the weather was hot and stuffy, so in his dreams he executed a move called ‘Twin Dragon Emerging From The Seas’ and knocked over his blanket.

During the later half of the night, the air temperature dramatically decreased. With only a pair of shorts on his body, Song Shuhang was forced into bitter hardship. While slumbering away, both his hands strenuously groped the bed, seeking all over, yet he couldn’t find the blanket. In the end he could only curl up like a mantis shrimp, shivering in the tyrannical cold of midnight.

When the sun rose, Song Shuhang had already become a member of the great seasonal catching cold army.

His roommate had already helped him apply for time off for today’s classes.

Afterwards, he took cold medicine and slept till now.

The high fever was suppressed, but his body was still weak. In this condition there was no way he could attend classes. Therefore, he could only stay in the dormitory bored and lonely, and watch movies.

On the monitor, the movie’s playback bar slowly trickled towards the end, but Song Shuhang was not absorbed into its contents at all.

“Has the medicine’s effects still not worn off? I’m so sleepy.” Song Shuhang yawned, he felt his eyelids getting heavy.

‘Di di di~’ Suddenly, at the bottom right of the computer screen, the chat application’s icon jumped.

This meant that someone added him as a friend, or invited him to join a chat group.

“Who added me?” Song Shuhang mumbled, he extended his hand and gently tapped on the bottom right of the computer’s touchscreen, prompting the notification to appear.

[Mt. Yellow’s True Monarch(＊＊＊＊＊＊) has requested to add you as a friend.] Additional Information: None.

Yellow Mountain’s True Monarch? Just who would use such an odd nickname?

“Is he a student from my class?” Song Shuhang wondered silently. He couldn’t help but think of the others in his class who clearly were already in university yet were still full of youthful delusions. If it were them, they would definitely pick an odd nickname like this.

Once he thought this way, he tapped on ‘Accept’.

Immediately, what followed was another system notification popping up.

[Mt. Yellow’s True Monarch has invited you to join the chat group ‘Nine Provinces (1) Group’, Do You Accept?]

Song Shuhang proceeded to tap on ‘Accept’.

‘Mt. Books’ Huge Pressure’ has accepted to join ‘Nine Provinces (1) Group’.

[You have agreed to join the group. Please make an introduction of yourself to the other members!] There was even a smiley sent by the system.

In recent years, these chatting softwares had been becoming more and more human-like.

After the chain of notifications popped up, Song Shuhang resolutely closed the notification and the group chat’s window. He was now filled with sleepiness, where would he get the energy to care about the group he joined?

Anyways, his group chat settings had always been ‘Do not notify new posts, only show numbers unread’, messages by the group wouldn’t pop-up and disturb him, it would only show the total number of new messages in the background.

After he wakes up, he could flip open the chat record, then he would know what kind of group he joined, and the chat record would also not be lost.

His eyelids got heavier and heavier……

The movie’s playback bar continued to move forward tenaciously, but Song Shuhang’s consciousness got more and more fuzzy.

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

In Nine Provinces (1) Group, lurkers emerged as soon as they noticed the new member’s entry.

North River’s Loose Practitioner: “Has the new member that Mt. Yellow’s True Monarch invited come in yet? It has already been a year since a new member joined right?”

Another ID, ‘Su Clan’s Ah Qi’ speedily replied, “There’s a new fellow daoist? Which region of Huaxia is this fellow daoist from? Which cave does fellow daoist cultivate in? What’s fellow daoist’s Dao name? What level of cultivation is fellow daoist at?”

(TL: Huaxia is the archaic name for China)

This chain of questions, why did they seem somewhat strange?

At approximately the same time, a new message came from the ID Mad Saber Three Waves, “What is the new fellow daoist’s gender? Are you a fairy or no? If you are, give the size of your bust, waist, and buttocks, and post a photo!”

Seeing the new messages by Su Clan’s Ah Qi and Mad Saber Three Waves, quite a number of other members’ mouths twitched.

“Brother Three Waves, is your zodiac indeed a goldfish?” North River’s Loose Practitioner sighed, “You better not invite death by recklessness again. What if Mt. Yellow’s True Monarch once again invited some big time senior in?”

Everything was good about Three Waves, he’s friendly, loyal, and loves helping others, so his relationship with others was pretty good. The only problem is he liked to speak pervertedly, in a way that invites death.

It turns out that this fella’s luck was so low that it gives people goosebumps, he always couldn’t help but invite death from recklessness, and the ones he offended were always big time seniors. Since those big time seniors were usually bored without any source of entertainment, they were naturally very happy to torture Mad Saber Three Waves who personified entertainment delivered to their front doors..

“I kneel and beg you not to mention the words “big time seniors”, they are a dark shadow in this majesty’s heart.” Mad Saber Three Waves sent a line of “crying face” emojis.

(TL: Mad Saber Three Waves called himself “本座” but there’s no English term for this so I translated it as “this majesty” if you have a better term to suggest do let me know!)

Four years ago this crappy mouth of his offended a beautiful ‘big time senior’, and was miserably tortured…… That big time senior continuously tortured him for an entire year and four months. You didn’t hear wrongly, a whole year and four months! When he thought of that tumultuous and inhuman times, his eyes turned moist.

Immediately after Three Waves spoke, emojis of naughty smiles popped up one after another in the group, they were not even trying to conceal how much they were enjoying his misery.

The group channel showed that among the last eight people who sent messages, 6 of them neatly sent a string of smiling emojis.

“You bunch of people who take joy in others’ calamity, this majesty will remember each and every one of you. Do not let this majesty meet you, otherwise this majesty will definitely let you people taste the strength of my 72 Paths of Rapid Saber!” Mad Saber Three Waves angrily said. He was very confident in his Rapid Saber. Among the 6 people who were leaving naughty smiles, none of them were a match for him in a one on one.

The moment after Mad Saber Three Waves spoke.

Another naughty smile emoji popped up, belonging to Su Clan’s Ah Qi.

Su Clan’s Ah Qi happily followed with: “When do you want fight one on one?”

Obviously, Su Clan’s Ah Qi didn’t have any intention of taking joy in others’ calamity, he just wanted to fight with someone.

“……” Mad Saber Three Waves immediately withered.

It was because he couldn’t beat Ah Qi!

His cultivation was profound. He had already reached the 5th level late stage Spirit Lord, and was just a hair’s breath from 6th level Spirit Lord, but he couldn’t beat Ah Qi in a fight.

His 72 Paths Saber technique was both fast and fierce, and he also possessed lightning fast body techniques, yet he still couldn’t defeat Ah Qi.

He was known as Mad Saber, his wrath terrifies even he himself, but he just couldn’t beat Ah Qi!

When the others in the group saw Three Waves wilting, they unbridledly sent lines of smiling emojis once again.

“……” This time, Mad Saber Three Waves could only sullenly post a line of dots.

The people in the group had been noisy for so long, yet they still hadn’t heard a word from the new member, which made them feel a little baffled.

“Our new fellow daoist is not making a sound?” North River’s Loose Practitioner asked.

That’s right, because of the cold medicine’s effects, Song Shuhang had once again entered a half asleep state.

At this time, Su Clan’s Ah Qi happily sent a piece of news: “I took a look, the new fellow daoist is called ‘Mt. Books’ Huge Pressure’. Has anyone heard of an expert with this dao name? This dao name sounds a little like a scholarly sect’s practitioner? This is so exciting! These years, scholarly sects’ practitioners have been living very deeply in seclusion so it’s not even possible to find them. It has already been nearly a hundred years since I’ve fought with them!

Now that I think about it, scholarly sects’ practitioners are even more unwilling to fight than buddhist sects’. Not only are they adept at glib speech, but their fists are also hard. Moreover, when the fight gets interesting they will heroically hum poetry to make things multiple times more fun! I love fighting them the most.”

“Ah Qi, when it comes to new fellow daoists, are you forever only interested in whether they could be a good fight, and whether it is fun to fight them?” Mad Saber Three Waves sent a crying face emoji. This is practically an evil tyrant’s way you know?!

“Erm.” Su Clan’s Ah Qi felt a little embarrassed.

North River’s Loose Practitioner smirked nastily and said, “Could it be he’s another big time senior who doesn’t know how to use the chatting tool?”

Once he said that, everyone started to feel like, isn’t this the scene of being ignored?

That’s right, right about four years ago there seemed to have been a senior who came out of closed-door cultivation after over a hundred years. She too had difficulties getting on the chatting software, and was added to the group by Mt. Yellow’s True Monarch. Yet because she didn’t know how to type, she couldn’t send messages.

Afterwards, someone named Mad Saber Three Waves happily spoke like a pervert in front of this senior, asked for the senior to post her three sizes, asked her to send her photo, and also asked for voice chat etc.

Then…… A few days after, Mad Saber Three Waves saw this senior with his own eyes. She was a very pretty senior, dazzling and beautiful like the bright moon in the night sky.

What followed after that was, this pretty senior tortured Mad Saber Three Waves for an entire one year and four months, before she left perfectly satisfied.

At this time, Mad Saber Three waves suddenly kneeled.

“Mt. Yellow?” This time, someone with the ID ‘Medicine Master’ sent a message.

An unfathomable and brief message, with no head nor tails.

Luckily the group members had long been accustomed to Medicine Master’s short messaging habits, is he asking where the group master Mt. Yellow True Monarch is?

The reason Medicine Master’s messages are short wasn’t because he had a cold and proud nature. Instead, it was because he was doing two-finger push-ups while in handwriting mode, which made his speed outrageously slow. When he increased the number of words written there would also be more chances of a mistake, and to keep deleting and rewriting was peerlessly painful. This was why Medicine Master’s messages were as short as possible. As time passed, it became like this, a socializing style with words as rare as gold.

“He went offline immediately after sending the invitation, I heard his family’s treasured Great Devil Dog got angry and left home again, Mt. Yellow’s True Monarch chased after it again.”

“……” Medicine Master.

“In that case, we can only wait for our new fellow daoist to learn how to use the chatting tool before we chat.” Su Clan’s Ah Qi sighed. They all knew first impression was the strongest, and believed that the new member was also one of them.

Seeing that the new fellow daoist had no reaction, the others online weren’t entertained, then gradually lurked.

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

Approximately one hour later, Song Shuhang gradually became more clear-headed as he woke up.

“I remember that just a moment ago, someone added me to a group, the Nine Provinces (1) group.” he muttered softly. Conveniently expanding the chat tool on the lower right part of the screen, he brought up the Nine Provinces (1)’s chat window.

What kind of group is this?

In an instant, one hour’s worth of chat logs appeared on the screen.

Song Shuhang roughly skimmed through it.

Fellow Daoist? Cultivation cave? Cultivation level?

There’s even seniors? True Monarch? This majesty? Hunting down the Great Devil Dog?

All kinds of vocabulary straight from Xianxia Novels.

The way people talked in this group was also very peculiar, ancient, but not entirely ancient, plain, but not entirely plain. This type of speech gave people the feel of a modern person trying to sound ancient. Unfortunately, lacking knowledge in the fundamentals of “classical chinese”, it led to a very awkward exchange.

“Chi~~” Song Shuhang started audibly laughing.

It seems that this was a XianXia aficionado group?

Oh no, this definitely wasn’t the normal Xianxia fan group!

Every single member in this group had given themselves a dao name, the place they live in was called a cultivation cave, even the pet the group master lost was described as family’s Great Devil Dog abandoning his home. There’s even someone who proclaimed that he had not fought with any scholarly sects for over a hundred years or something. Doesn’t that mean that person claimed to have already lived several hundred years?

Looking at this log, Song Shuhang developed a feeling of shame.

“To be obsessed to this degree, it seems like they have already been afflicted by Chuunibyou syndrome. Furthermore, it is a very specific Huaxia-flavored Xianxia disease.” Song Shuhang concluded.

Seems like, this was the Xianxia chuunibyou victims’ assembling point!

This was his first impression of the members in ‘Nine Provinces (1) Group.’

But why did they decide to add him?

Looking at the account information of Mt. Yellow’s True Monarch, Song Shuhang determined that this person was not his classmate, he definitely not did recognise this guy at all.

Was this an accidental invite?