Back Then, I Adored You

A child coming into a world where it is not welcomed by its mother will never be a happy child.

Although Xu Wennuan had loved him deeply, Wu Hao had betrayed her. She had always considered Lu Bancheng a friend, but he had raped her, adding to her chaotic life of debt and heartache. Finding the energy and mental capacity to raise a child was not something she saw herself achieving.

Even if she took a thousand steps backward and gave birth to this child, she was not willing to be with Lu Bancheng, and walking away from him and raising it by herself did not have a good outlook.

No matter what path she could have chosen, it would have been the wrong path regardless. This being the case, it was for the best to not let this child be born into the world at all.

……

Xu Wennuan recuperated at home for a week before she returned to work. As an employee in her company’s business department, the more orders she received, the more money she earned, so she invested all her energy into work. Besides going home to sleep at night, she was always busy at work.

Her days were tough and tiring, but at least they allowed her to stop thinking about the sad things that had happened in the past. Since the day she had her abortion, she had stopped enjoying crowds and hanging out with her colleagues after work. She also had stopped playing the two mobile games that she used to play when she had nothing to do, as she had in the past.

She would still plaster a smile on her face when there were outsiders around, but the moment they left and she was alone, she would go into a daze. Sometimes, when she was walking alone in the streets, she would suddenly halt her footsteps and stare transfixed at seemingly nothing.

She did not know whether or not Lu Bancheng had returned home since their fight, but she hadn’t seen him since. He was never at home when she was. Just as he had said that night, the two of them no longer had anything to do with each other. Had she not been occasionally reminded of the fact that they shared a marriage certificate, she would have gradually forgotten that they were ever acquainted.

Monotonous days like this passed by quickly, and it was April before she knew it. Perhaps because she had spent too much time working over the past month, or because the weather had been erratic lately, she woke up on the first day of April with a headache. It was a symptom of an imminent flu, but she ignored it as she changed into her work clothes and went to the office. She met seven clients that day and spent most of the time running around outside. Even her lunch was rushed, as she settled for two pieces of bread at a bakery to fill her stomach. By the time she left work and took the bus home, it was already nine in the evening. Her headache had grown decidedly worse by this time.

Xu Wennuan cooked some instant cup noodles for dinner, and then she took a shower, drank some hot water, and crawled into bed early. She didn’t know how long she had been sleeping when she awoke to her body physically alternating between hot and cold. Her head was intensely groggy, as she faded in and out of a dream, her consciousness alternating between lucidness and incoherence.

Her brain conjured up an image of herself being restrained by someone who then proceeded to rip her clothes aggressively. She was frightened and frantic, but that person refused to let her go no matter how much she begged. Then, she started crying out of desperation in both her dream and in real life.