Limitless Evolution As a Snake

[System: Oh shit, here we go, Matt.]

Here we go, what, old mate.

The explosions happened before I even had a chance to panic properly.

The shouting outside had been building for a while now, cop voices mixed with regular people yelling, and under all that noise I could smell something that made my stomach drop clean through the bottom of the tub.

Lyra.

She was here. She was actually here, somewhere close, probably yelling orders at people with her hand on her gun, and the thought of her finding me like this, wet and tiny and pathetic in a bathtub, made my whole body go cold in a way that had nothing to do with the water temperature.

Would she look at me the same after this? The fighting ring was justified. I had worked that out; it was for her, the whole thing, every single bout, which made it not really a crime so much as a gesture, and I was serious about someone, therefore: justified.

What was not justified, what sat in my chest like a swallowed stone, was the thought of Lyra coming through that door and finding me here, dripping and cornered and small, tucked into a bathtub like something that had been surrendered at a shelter. She could find me anywhere else in the world. She could find me mid-fight, covered in someone else’s blood, and I could work with that. But not like this, not in a kennel like a dog.

No time to think about that, I guess.

I barely had time to slither up the side of the tub before the entire window just stopped existing. Glass everywhere, wood splinters, the whole frame gone in one go, and through the hole came a voice so loud it rattled something behind my little ribs.

”MY SON!!! I FOUND YOU!”

Before I could even process what was happening, something wrapped around me, warm and impossibly gentle for something that scary, lifting me clean off the tub floor. I caught a glimpse of scales, dark and thick, way bigger than mine, and then I was being patted dry with what felt like the world’s most enormous cloth, dabbed at like I was a newborn.

”I like the knife! Very good”, he boomed, looking at the little nub blade thing on my body like it was the greatest gift he’d ever received. Then, without any warning at all, he dragged the edge of it across his own scales, opened up a shallow cut, and licked the blood off like it was nothing.

Old mate, what the hell is happening right now?

Because that seemed like a reasonable question given the circumstances.

Old mate didn’t even hesitate.

[System: Yeah nah, try talking to him. Reckon he’s a snake too, so give it a go.]

Right. Sure, super easy. Totally normal thing to attempt while wrapped in the hands of a mafia boss who keeps calling himself my dad.

Ssss... d... ssss aaadd? I hiss out.

The words came out rough, more air than sound, but they came out, and the second they did, the hands around me went completely still.

”Son?” he said, voice dropping from booming to something almost reverent. MY SON CAN SPEAK, HE’S NOT AN IDIOT!

Dad? I guess. Hi? I managed, still not totally sure my mouth was built for this.

”MY SON IS THE SMARTEST BOY IN THE WORLD”, he roared, and I felt the vibration of it through his whole body.

That was about the moment the door gave in.

Cops poured through the frame, guns raised, shouting things I barely registered because my brain was too busy screaming about the fact that Lyra wasn’t among them. Thank every god I didn’t believe in for that. My dad didn’t even flinch; he didn’t even look at them. His eyes stayed locked on me the entire time while his tail whipped out, gun clenched at the end of it, and just went bap bap bap bap, one shot per head, clean and fast, and every single cop dropped before they’d even finished their sentence.

Old mate, of course, was thrilled.

[System: Holy shit, I like this cunt.]

My dad’s insane.

Limp in his hands, my gaze flicked from his proud, scaled face to the pile of human and hybrid beast-men cops on the floor, each with a single bullet hole drilled neatly through their foreheads.

[System: Yeah, mate. He absolutely is.]

Then I caught it again, stronger this time, that particular scent cutting through the blood and gunpowder in the air. Lyra, my Lyra was so close, too close.

Panic hit me so fast I barely thought before hissing out the words.

Dad, stop, wait, my girlfriend is here! She’s a cop! If you shoot her, I swear I will never speak to you again!

Old mate whistled low in my head.

[System: Hang on. Did you just try to guilt trip a bloke who killed six people in the last forty seconds? Using the silent treatment. 5 IP points, you absolute maniac.]

For a second, nothing happened. My dad went completely still, hands tightening just slightly, and I could feel the weight of his attention shift, feel him actually looking at me now instead of just admiring me like some prize he’d found in a trash.

Then he breathed out, long and slow, and when he spoke again his voice had dropped into something almost soft, almost delighted.

”My son has a girlfriend?” he said, and I swear I felt him practically vibrating with joy.

”I’m so happy for you,” he rumbled, the sound vibrating through his whole body. ”No- I’m happy for us! Hana, go find his woman now. Bring her here; we will treat her well.”

Hana just nodded once, sharp and quick, like getting told to go fetch a cop was the most normal thing she’d heard all day, and then she was gone through the busted window without another word.

I’m still just hanging there in my dad’s hands like a wet noodle with a tiny knife stuck on my butt, and all I can think about is please, please be nice to her. Hana looked like she could bench a car. My Lyra is tough, but she’s still just one little dark elf with a gun, and Hana is built like an actual fridge with tits and an ass.